Monday, August 6, 2012
Happy and Settled.............
A few days ago, my ex-husband stopped by the house to drop off a few of my precious possessions. He stayed for awhile and after exchanging pleasantries and bringing each other up to speed on what was going on in our lives, he went home. It was actually a nice visit and a small miracle that he and I were actually able stay in the same room together for more than five minutes without fighting, screaming and insulting each other. Time has a way of healing all wounds. We made peace with each other awhile ago. We're over it. Over the hurt. The pain. The cruelty. And...... we're over each other.
What really surprised me were the reactions of the people closest to me. My folks were there when my ex came by and they joined in some of our conversation. The moment he left, my mother grabbed me by the arm and asked, "Do you still love him?" Without hesitation, I quickly responded. "No!" My dad shook his head. "That's a shame. I really wish it could work out between the two of you." My heart sank, but I didn't say a word. My father: the eternal optimist who believes with all his heart that people can change. I am not so easily convinced when it comes to the man I lived with for nineteen years.
Later on, my sister came over. Just a few short years ago, she had nothing but pure venom rushing through her veins concerning my ex-husband. She really shocked me as we all sat down to dinner. She wanted to know if my ex had asked me out on a date or anything.
"Uh...why would he do that?" I asked.
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe you two will get back together!"
At that point, I lost it and starting yelling at my whole family. "Oh. My. God! What is wrong with you people?"
I will spare you the gory details of my marriage. Let's just say, it was unhealthy. We either flourish in relationships or our passion and reason for living is choked right out of us. In my situation; it was the latter.
I proceeded to tell my family how crazy they were to even suggest such a thing. Don't they remember anything? Finally my dad spoke up. "We just hate to see you alone. We want you to be happy and settled."
Happy? Honestly, I can't remember any point in my marriage when I was really, truly happy. Most of the time, I was miserable. Depressed. Suicidal. Do they all really want me to go back to being that person? I was certainly much easier to get along with back then, so perhaps on some level; they do. As for being settled; I am settled. Perhaps not in the traditional sense of the word. I don't have a husband. I don't even have a steady boyfriend. I date from time to time, but I haven't found anyone worth the investment of my time, effort or love. This drives my family crazy.
I don't have things all wrapped up in a nice, neat package. Honestly, who does? Most people automatically assume I am unhappy and unsettled because I still have a few loose ends. My life is far from perfect, but I am happy. I am settled. I have peace. I sleep well at night. Peace and the ability to get a good night's sleep are two things I did not have when I was married. I have love. I was so broken back then it was not possible for me to give or receive love. My heart is opened now and I know who I am. It took me along time to get here. I am not lonely, either. I have family. I have friends. I have a life. It just doesn't include a man. I am not about to choose any man just for the sake having one or to make my family happy. I'd really rather be alone than to do that!
Why do some people believe that my only source of happiness can come from being in a love relationship? Since when does settled mean a life built around the needs, desires and demands of a man? Been there. Done that. I really don't have a burning passion for a repeat performance. Maybe there's something wrong with me or perhaps I am only one with her head on straight about all this. Who cares if I am the only one at family gatherings without a partner? Evidently, my family cares. They want to see a man beside me. Holding my hand. Giving me jewelry for Christmas. Kicking me under the table when I start arguing about family values and politics. I am not uncomfortable because I don't have all this. They are. Isn't that funny? They're so uncomfortable and so uncomfortable with me that they even want me to reconsider my ex-husband! The one man capable of beating me back into the person they all want me to be. I don't know if I should cry about all this is or give them a swift kick in the pants with my cowboy boot!
It's not that I don't want a man in my life. I just don't sit around whining because I don't have one. It's not my life's mission to go out and get one. I am really much too busy doing other things: enjoying life, building my business, preparing for my future. The idea of sharing all that with the right partner sounds nice. My ex-husband was the wrong partner. I've suffered heartache and disappointment with a few wrong partners since my divorce. I want the right man. I don't think I have to go out there and hunt him down or consider going back to someone who once caused me such misery and pain. Maybe he's changed. Maybe he hasn't. I am not willing to take that risk. Besides, I've changed. I am not the same girl my ex-husband fell in love with decades ago.
I believe that if I continue being true to myself and work at becoming the best person I can be; the right man will find me. The one who accepts me exactly as I am and doesn't want me to change a thing. Someone willing to overlook my fears, faults and failures. Someone who inspires me to love more. Be more. Do more. Not because he wants me to satisfy his own selfish desires, but for my benefit and to benefit the world around us. I would love the opportunity to pour that kind of love and inspiration into someone else. I refuse to buy into the lie that I will never be happy or settled until I find that person. I am happily willing to wait. I am also willing to accept the fact that the right man for me might not exist. So what do I do? Settle for just anybody? Go backwards? Change who I am now to make everyone else happy? I don't think so. Talk about about being unhappy and unsettled. Quite honestly, the only times I've ever felt unhappy or unsettled was when I had a man sitting right beside me.
My happiness is my responsibility! That's what I work on every day. If someone wonderful happens to come along; great. If he doesn't; that's okay, too. As long as I have truth, peace and love in my heart; I am happy and settled. That's good enough for me. Everyone else is just going to have to learn to deal with it.......
Posted by Cynthia at 9:15 AM